Parisian Phoenix Publishing

>>> Larry Sceurman

Things My Pop-Pop Taught Me:

• How to paint a car: That 85% of the work is preparation, the surface must always be smooth, clean, and dry for proper adhesion. Primers and sealers are the foundation and everything needs a good foundation. When applying the paint, you need to have a balance of speed, distance and overlap in every stroke of the spray gun. The topcoat or the color coat is what you see. It must be smooth, shiny, and durable. Life is very much like painting a car. 

• While walking in the gutter, always look in sewer drains. And if you see a quarter that you can’t reach, there is a surefire way to get it out. First go to Benner’s store and buy a piece of bubblegum for a penny. Find a nice straight broomstick, chew up the gum really good and stick it on the end of the broomstick. Put the broomstick, with the gum on the end, down the sewer and stick it on quarter… out it will come. You only spend a penny to get a quarter. 

• That it’s ok to tell the same joke at various times. 

• To take a splinter out, without crying, you must squeeze your finger real tight and focus on using tweezers or a needle to remove the splinter. If you focus on what you’re doing tears won’t come but if you focus on pain or fear tears are certain to come.

• Professional wrestling is really a slapstick comedy.

• When trying to work faster than my Pop-Pop in masking a car, which is using paper and tape to cover up things that should not be painted. I asked Pop-Pop, “Why is it that you always finish before me? I’m sixteen and you’re sixty-six.” He laughed and said, “That’s the answer, you’re sixteen and I’m sixty-six. I’m sixty-six and thinking about putting this piece of tape on the car molding and you’re sixteen thinking about being in the backseat and fooling around with your girlfriend…” How to laugh at myself was the real lesson.

• That eating at night before you go to bed was ok when it was called “Bed Lunch.”

• When you are angry with a group, the government, or a corporation call them, “Those Sons of Bitches.”

• How to eat peanut butter and molasses bread.

• How to make a paper hat out of a newspaper and put it on a two-year-old’s head, so they can cry or take it off and rip it up.

• When there is a problem, you must take action. Don’t let your fears keep you from trying different solutions to the problem.

• To you love your wife and your family with all your heart.

My Pop-Pop was a great mentor.

Things that my Pop-Pop didn’t teach me:

•   How to eat pizza, spaghetti, and eggplant. That Chinese, Mexican, or Middle Eastern food is sometimes better than Pennsylvania Dutch cooking.

•   That sometimes the urge to watch a movie, read a book, or to be entertained is masking the demon of procrastination. Procrastination is the wizardry of fear and laziness.

•   That it is best to say nothing to your wife. Especially when she turns the lights out in a room that you just left to do something that will only take a minute. That she keeps the house dark when you’re there and makes sure the house is well lit when you’re away. So that burglars can see what they’re stealing.

•   To lose the watch that Pop-Pop gave me in a poker game. Then buy one just like it and never tell anyone about losing it in the poker game.

•   You can keep your dirty dishes in the refrigerator so they don’t get moldy, smell bad, and get full of cockroaches. 

• Your garbage disposal is a great tool for releasing anger. Draw faces of people you hate on carrots and drop them into the garbage disposal. You make voices like the people, saying, “Oh no, Mr. Larry. I promise I’ll never do that again!” Then you say, “Too late you -*–*– idiot!”  

These are some of the good things that I learned in life.